Finding My Way and Finding Myself as an LGBTQ Person at My Agency
Written by Valerie Minor, published June 1, 2021
The views and opinions expressed in this blog entry are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the author’s place of employment. All content provided is of the author’s own opinion and is not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, individual or anyone or anything.
I grew up in the 1980s in a small, southern town where the only differences between people were money and race. I knew of no other. Maybe 1% of the families were rich; the rest were either middle class, or poor; and either White, Black, or Hispanic (but mostly White). Terms like LGBTQ were not discussed, much less accepted. In my little town …
We were a combination of Mayberry, Footloose, and Roseanne.
As a kid I became aware of these two women that lived together. One wore men’s clothing. She dressed in flannel shirts and hiking boots year-round with her hair styled into a mullet. The other dressed more like other women in town and was more feminine. People in town would whisper about them as they passed by and didn’t treat them with the same southern hospitality they extended to others. I liked some of the clothes and toys from the boys section too, so I didn’t see a problem with her appearance. I didn’t know they were lesbians, nor at the time did I even understand what a lesbian was, but I did know that they were not accepted, so …
I did not want to be like them.
Not too long after seeing these women around town I grew an understanding of what lesbians were. They were the female counterpart to gay men. Since my education on what it was to be gay came from TV, what I learned was that gay men typically played the role of stylish, feminine, hair dressers or interior decorators that inevitably contracted HIV; while lesbians played the role of tomboyish comedians, athletes, or mechanics that would steal a husband’s wife and ride off with her into the sunset on a motorcycle. This is what those ladies in town were and ...
I did not want to be like them.
My mother started working as a police dispatcher about this same time. My mom was (and still is) beautiful, petite, and feminine. The kids at school thought it was so cool that my mom worked for the police department and wore a uniform. For the first time I felt like we were somebody. She quickly became well known for being a police dispatcher and also well respected. Mom also became the first female patrol officer at her agency and even worked with a specialized task force. I can remember playing dress-up in her uniform one day, and to a young kid, that uniform seemed to have had magical powers that transformed you into a superhero. I understood why mom chose that line of work … it empowered her!
Perhaps that was what I wanted to be … an empowered superhero!
After high school I left my small town and went off to college at a small, Baptist, Women’s college. It was there that I found out I was one of those women … a lesbian. The horror! How did I let this happen? What will people think? This is not what I wanted. Being a Baptist institution, many things were prohibited and yes, homosexuality was one of the things. So, I had a closeted existence my entire time there. And one thing I learned was that …
Living in the closet is such a miserable existence.
I did however earn a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice while there. Of course, this field of study was totally due to being in awe of my mother and also like my mother, I had a desire to help others and felt the Criminal Justice field could be a place where I could make a difference in others’ lives. I continued my education at another school and earned a Master’s Degree in Criminal Justice also. It was during that time that I started slowly coming out as a lesbian. After grad school I worked as an office manager for a local company, and told myself that this was just until I found a good job in the Criminal Justice field. Fast forward almost six years later, I applied for a police dispatch position and was hired on.
Is this where I become an empowered superhero?
The short answer is no. I remember being told during my onboarding that I should understand that those in this line of work tend to talk crudely and make offensive jokes to deal with the stress of the job and that I should grow thick skin because this is just how it is; all police departments are like this.
Unsure of how (or if) I’d be accepted, I returned to the safety of the closet.
I stayed very private about my personal life during the hiring process and extended that well into my training and probationary period. I was trying to feel the place out. Certainly there was another LGBTQ person there in the department and once I found them I would feel safe to be more open about myself. However, I never found the gay work friend that I so desperatly wanted and needed in order to feel safe coming out at work.
There was no one like me.
It wasn’t until a coworker told me that one of the male officers had asked her if she thought I would go on a date with him that I revealed anything about my personal life. I believe my response was something like “I don’t get involved with people I work with, I don’t date men anymore, and, I’m in a relationship”. I still wasn’t open with those I didn’t work closely with and remained that way for the next couple of years.
Is it safe to come out yet?
I had typically been able to “pass for straight” all this time and that helped me stay closeted. One day I just couldn’t stand myself anymore. It hurt that I was hiding my true self. I hated myself everytime I laughed at someone’s derogatory gay joke. It was exhausting dancing around pronouns and substituting “roommate” for “girlfriend” or “partner”. I gradually started wearing my hair shorter and shorter until eventually I could style it into a fauxhawk. I caught much grief about that from a few coworkers, stating that I was in violation of dress code (even though some of the men in our department had similar hairstyles and it didn’t seem to be an issue for them). Nowhere in our directives did it state a fauxhawk hairstyle was prohibited and since the comments didn’t come from my chain of command I ignored them. I continued gayly forward and …
I dismantled the closet I had built.
In 2014 I started dating a woman that I saw a real future with. By now I had been with this department for five years and still wasn’t completely open. I had found happiness in my life and I was not going to closet that happiness. I talked about her openly at work. It was risky but I had decided the only thing I had to lose was acceptance from people that didn’t accept me for who I truly was. We’ve been married for almost 6 years now, I’m completely out at work, and ...
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It wasn’t easy. I met issues along the way, however, I am so happy that I started showing up as my whole authentic self at work. No longer do I skirt around or avoid talking about my wife. Nor do I attempt to hide my sexual orientation. What I discovered was that most people either already knew or if they didn’t, it didn’t seem to be an issue. When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer many of my peers and even some of the highest ranking officials of the department were there for us. I cannot imagine going through that without my peers and supervision understanding how important she is to me - that she is my wife and the love of my life.
I started discovering the person I wanted to be.
One of the most difficult things for me in the beginning, with my agency, was that I felt alone. There were no other LGBTQ coworkers that I was aware of. I do not want anyone to ever feel that way and by being out at work I can help others see that they aren’t alone. I recently read an article by the Human Rights Campaign that addressed some of the issues I faced and it furthered my desire to make the pathway easier for those that still may be closeted and any others that may come behind us. Listed below are some of the findings from the study:
● 46% of LGBTQ workers say they are closeted at work
● 1-in-5 LGBTQ workers report having been told or had coworkers imply that they should dress in a more feminine or masculine manner;
● 53% of LGBTQ workers report hearing jokes about lesbian or gay people at least once in a while;
● 31% of LGBTQ workers say they have felt unhappy or depressed at work;
● and the top reason LGBTQ workers don't report negative comments they hear about LGBTQ people to a supervisor or human resources? They don't think anything would be done about it — and they don't want to hurt their relationships with coworkers.
“A Workplace Divided: Understanding the Climate for LGBTQ Workers Nationwide”. Human Rights Campaign, https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/AWorkplace
So where do we go from here? Here are some of my personal suggestions to incorporate LGBTQ inclusivity in your workplace:
Let us come out at work when we are ready. I cannot stress this enough. Also, if someone has come out to you, don’t assume they are out to everyone. Be cognizant of your conversations with them and about them at work so that you don’t out them by accident. This can have dire consequences.
Don’t assume anything. This goes for partner status, pronouns, etc. Have the courage to ask questions to avoid any misunderstandings. Practice being more inclusive with your language by replacing “husband” and/or “wife” with “spouse”. This will help prevent embarrassment on either side.
Include our partners in conversation. Ask me about my spouse. Have the same discussions with me about us and/or her that you would with your straight peers about their spouses. When you avoid this it gives us the feeling that you think it’s taboo and shouldn’t be discussed. The same thing goes for the volume of your voice. There’s no need to whisper; that implies it is shameful or should be hidden so use your normal voice.
Don’t ask personal questions if we aren’t close friends. “When did you realize you were gay?” or “How did you know you are gay?” are questions that many LGBTQ coworkers do not feel comfortable discussing. Then there are questions you should never ask, such as “Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship?” or anything of intimate nature. Think how silly this would sound if you asked your straight peers. It’s awkward, just don’t do it.
We’d love to hear about your gay friends but don’t only talk about LGBTQ topics with us. Telling me you have a gay friend or family member that you support let’s me know you are an ally and may make it easier for me to come out to you if I haven’t already. However, I also want to be seen as a whole person and while being a lesbian is a huge part of who I am, it’s not all I am. And, don’t expect me to educate you on all things gay. It’s exhausting and quite frankly, I do not have all the answers. If you’re interested, educate yourself and be my ally. We need more of you!
Use our preferred pronouns. Mine are “she/hers” but some may use “they” which I know is still new to some and sometimes difficult to put to use, but at least make an effort. If you aren’t sure of someone's pronouns, ask.
Stick up for us. When you hear a coworker purposefully misgender a trans person, correct them. When someone tells a homophobic joke, shut them down. If you witness any harassment, report it to your HR. This is how we change the workplace culture.
Be a visible ally or out LGBTQ person. Not sure where to start? Show that you care about the gay community by attending and/or participating in local LGBTQ events. June is celebrated nationally as LGBTQ Pride Month. Many straight allies come out to support these events; we would love to see you there! If you are an out LGTBQ person at your workplace make yourself visible so that those that have not had the courage to come out might do so. The more we can normalize being a LGTBQ person at work the more normal it will be.
I’m not yet where I fully desire to be. I’m still working on fully becoming the person I want to be, but I am much closer than I was years ago. There is no gay roadmap to follow. We all must make our own paths. What I have learned on my journey is that the more I honor myself and live my own truth, in all aspects of my life, the more free and whole I feel and the less shame and guilt I carry. I believe that by creating inclusive work cultures we can provide space to show support and foster the courage necessary to excel in our professional lives.
Thank you, Valerie for sharing your valuable perspective with us. If you are interested in writing a blog, please email 911derWomen@gmail.com. Sign up for our newsletter on our homepage to stay up to date with 911der Women programming, exclusive content and blog updates. Click here and scroll to the bottom!