Let’s Talk About It

Written by Keely Heyman, published April 25, 2023

A few months back, I wrote a blog on a whim because I needed to get out of my head what I had been holding on to for decades (I was In An Abusive Relationship…With My Employer, September 1, 2022) . After that blog came out, many of you felt that article to your core. Every now and again, I go back and read the comments from the article on the website or social media threads, and I am confounded by the amount of all of you that have had similar experiences, and it has prompted me to write more about it. Let’s take a deeper dive into this dark rabbit hole. Hell, let’s talk about it! 

It seems I have created quite a stir with my thoughts, and I want to continue to rattle a few more cages because, at the end of the day, silence doesn’t get us anywhere, and neither does pretending these incidents do not occur in our workspaces. In fact, there are a number of you out there in the 9-1-1 world who have anonymous social media platforms that “joke’ about the daily toxic environments we dwell in, and let me tell you, I laugh harder than I should at much of it. For in that dark humor is a reality of ironic proportions. 

Let me tell you about the irony that has occurred on my side since that article went public. I was immediately called, texted, and seen face to face by those in my former circle. Many wanted to know specifically to whom I was talking about, and others who were worried it may have been about them. The truth is, absolutely none of that is important! It’s not the who, or the why, or even the when, of what occurred, it’s the stark reality that it DID occur, and many of us are recovering from the abuse we endured, and many of you are still currently sitting in it. 

So, let’s talk about “gaslighting” in the workplace, shall we? This may help many of you who might currently still be faced with toxic environments and perhaps shed some light on the many daily events that you cannot explain but know it doesn’t feel right. 

For those of you who maybe have never heard this term before:

Gaslighting verb

manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.

How often have you been told you are too sensitive to something that has occurred at work? I am not talking about a rough call or a specifically trying incident. This is separate from that. I am talking about workplace-specific trials and tribulations, not what happens to you acting in the capacity of a dispatcher doing your jobs. 

Here is an example:

At the beginning of my career, I once was reading a teletype that had been purposely handed to me by the Lt. that was on duty that night. The teletype was a detailed dissertation of a rape that had occurred, and they were trying to locate similar cases nationally as they did not believe this type of incident had occurred singularly. The Lt. asked, “Are you offended by that teletype?” I responded that I wasn’t offended as it was a factual case, and they were just trying to locate the suspect. He insisted that I needed to be offended by it, because of its detail and he proceeded to chuckle about what was written in the teletype, and make comments about what was on that paper (yes, I have been a dispatcher so long this was a teletype from a dot matrix printer). When I spoke with my direct supervisor regarding this odd interaction, he said I was likely mistaken about the Lt’s actions. After speaking with the Lt in question, he said I was “crazy”, and it was “my fault” for taking offense to him just sharing the teletype with me. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me reading the teletype- I had to anyway so I would have read it at some point that evening anyway. That wasn’t my issue with it, that was me acting in the professional capacity of my job. The issue that I took was the Lt, intentionally trying to make me uncomfortable with the teletype as it was graphic in nature. Immediately, I was told to toughen up and stop being so sensitive to what had occurred. Since I had been so young, I didn’t, at all, think that what had just happened was inappropriate, I figured I just needed to be quiet and stay in my lane, and not talk about when something doesn’t feel ok. That became my baseline.

Be quiet, your opinion doesn’t matter. 

You’re being too sensitive; we were just messing around.

You need to get some thick skin, or you won’t last here. 

Why do you need that training?

You don’t need to do that!

…..In retrospect, it wasn’t ok. 

Many of my experiences were not ok. I could write a book on those experiences, honestly, it may turn out to be a novel. 

The point is not so much my experiences singularly, but more of the experiences that we have all collectively shared in our environments and I think that is the importance of understanding that workplace gaslighting is a possibility, but in many different forms. Our already stressful environments make it difficult to know where to draw the line, but being able to understand the subtle differences is what matters. As I have mentioned in the previous blog, the pure act of physical abuse is much easier to define, usually leaves a mark, and we know who the suspect is. These small acts of mental strife are more difficult to identify and even more difficult to accuse anyone directly of. While it would be nice to point a finger and be able to call out the single person causing this trauma, it isn’t always that simple. In most places, it’s a collective collaboration of mental torment and gaslighting because everyone is conditioned in the same environment, so the culture of the workplace may not be one specific point of horror but multiple. 

In many ways, you may feel little, or small, and not as though you are a vital part of the work that you do. I assure you that you are, and you are most likely more needed than they let on. 

If it doesn’t feel ok, it likely isn’t. Do not let someone bully you into believing that you may be overreacting to someone else’s actions, that’s gaslighting. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard by a non-biased party. Demand it!

Recently, there have been a number of reports about the inner workings of what can (and does) happen in our workspaces, and I know every single one of you is not at all surprised about what has come out in the news. Whether it is a report of a hostile work environment, or the strange cycle of relationships that occur. Here is what we know to be true, it is not specific to those departments, and we also know that there is more than one rendition to what is occurring. News flash, no one is right in these environments. Yes, that’s right, NO ONE! Not even those uninvolved, and here is why, inaction is just as deadly as action. Ownership is important, just because you are being cultured in an environment that is toxic does not mean you should play into it either. So much could be avoided if we stop perpetuating the cycle. You must take an active role in protecting your heart, your mind and your mental health and the wellbeing of the space of 9-1-1. Being able to establish boundaries is the best way to ensure that this toxic cycle in our line of work begins to stop. Be sure you aren’t gaslighting yourself or anyone else for that matter. 

I can definitively say it has gotten better in many ways in our space of 9-1-1. There are more and more of us at the front lines who are standing at the tops of the mountains shouting that we need to do better, we need to have better, and it is starting to work. The key is not to remain silent about the experiences. Speak up when it doesn’t feel right. Walk away when it begins to drain your soul. 

Thank you, Keely for sharing your experience with us. If you are interested in writing a blog, please email amanda@911derwomen.com. Sign up for our newsletter on our homepage to stay up to date with 911der Women programming, exclusive content and blog updates. Click here and scroll to the bottom.

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